Notes from Feb 2004 meeting on perfectionism, presented by guest speaker Tom Greenspon, Ph.D. Overview * How a Perfectionist ACTS * How a Perfectionist THINKS * How a Perfectionist FEELS * The meaning of Excellence * Insights * 2 basic aspects of human psychology How a Perfectionist ACTS * Over commits * Rarely delegates work to others * Has a hard time making choices * Always has to be in control * Competes fiercely * Arrives late as one more thing had to be done * Always does last-minute cramming * Gets carried away with details * Never seems satisfied with their work * Constantly busies themselves with something or another * Frequently criticizes others * Refuses to hear criticism of themselves * Pays more attention to negative than positive comments * Checks up on other people's work * Calls him/herself stupid when they do something imperfectly * Procrastinates How a Perfectionist THINKS * If I can't do it perfectly, what's the point? * I should excel at everything I do * I always have to stay ahead of others * I should finish a job before doing anything else * Every detail of a job should be perfect * Things should be done right the first time * There is only one right way to do things * I'm a wonderful person if I do well; I'm a lousy person if I do things poorly * I'm never good enough * I'm stupid * I can't do anything right * I'm unlikable * I better not make a mistake here or people will think I'm ____ (stupid, bad, incapable) * If I goof up, something's wrong with me * People shouldn't criticize me * Everything should be clearly black or white * "Grays" are a sign of confused thinking How a Perfectionist FEELS * Deeply embarrassed about mistakes they make * Disgusted or angry with themselves when criticized * Anxious when stating their opinions to others * Worried a lot about details * Angry if their routine is interrupted * Nervous when surroundings are messy * Fearful or anxious a lot * Exhausted and unable to relax * Plagued by self-hatred * Afraid of appearing "stupid" * Afraid of appearing incompetent * Afraid of being rejected * Ashamed of having fears Excellence is openness to being wrong, perfectionism is having to be right Excellence is risk, perfectionism is fear Excellence is risk, perfectionism is fear Excellence is effort, perfectionism is anger & frustration Excellence is spontaneity, perfectionism is control Excellence is flow, perfectionism is pressure Excellence is confidence, perfectionism is doubt Excellence is journey, perfectionism is destination Excellence is acceptance, perfectionism is judgment Excellence is encouraging, perfectionism is criticizing Striving for excellence is NOT Perfectionism Perfectionism does not determine success --TALENT, ENERGY, & COMMITTMENT do Perfectionists are successful DESPITE their perfectionism -- Not BECAUSE of it Perfectionism is Relational !!! Two basic aspects of Human Psychology * Subjective experience is continuously organized and meaningful, shaped by a set of emotional convictions unique to each of us * Significant relational ties or attachments to essential others are sought out throughout life These aspects are interrelated * Our emotional convictions are contextually determined by the relationships we have and... * The nature of the relationships we form with others is guided by our emotional convictions Overcoming perfectionism is more a matter of creating an environment of acceptance than pursuing the correct remedy Perfectionism is rampant today ... and it is in this competitive drive to accomplish a moral and intellectual superiority that making a mistake becomes so dangerous ... If we can't make peace with ourselves as we are, we will never be able to make peace with ourselves. This requires the courage to be imperfect Bibliography * Adderholdt, M. & Goldberg, J. (1999). Perfectionism: What's bad about being too good? Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publishing. * Greenspon, T.S. (2002). Freeing our families from perfectionism Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publishing. www.freespirit.com